My thoughts for this Valentines Day, a day that I’ll readily admit is heavily commercialized and exploited by card, candy and jewelry companies all over the U.S. and beyond, this day that leaves men terrified they’ll screw up and women terrified they will always be unloved…This day that leaves men feeling inadequate and women disappointed. This day that can make even the happiest, most fulfilled of us feel lonely (if we are to let it get the best of us).

Our defense mechanisms prompt and prod us to proclaim to the world how we hate this day, how this day is stupid and pointless and only here to make some evil scrooge-type man in an office at the top of a tall expensive building lots of money while he laughs at all of the foolish, emotional saps buying into this day (figuratively and literally). But really, for the most of us, we just want to be with people who make us feel special, people who understand us and put up with our “unique” habits with a laugh and a roll of the eyes that says, “You drive me crazy, but I like it.” It's not about this day in particular, it's about what this day represents in our lives for the rest of the 364 days of a year.

As girls (in an assumed heterosexual relationship) we want to feel special and to know that no matter how much hotter or younger or more charming and adorable that other girl is, there is something about us that drives our significant other to love us unconditionally and feel that we are special and irreplaceable regardless of someone else’s flirtatious giggle and strategically placed hand on your arm, bigger boobs, or perfect hair. For guys, if I knew for sure I’d bottle it, copyright it and be a bazillionaire, but if I were to guess what guys want I’d say they just want a girl who won’t nag them, won’t pressure them to throw out their lucky shirt from college, a girl they can trust won’t tell their friends that they secretly like pedicures, someone they can laugh with and who can dress up and look sexy or hang on the couch and have just as much fun, and probably most importantly, a girl who’s genuinely as excited as they are for “special time”…but that’s just my guess. I believe the same would be true on many levels in homosexual relationships and platonic friendships as well. Ultimately we all just want to find a place to fit in and be loved.

I’ve spent the last few years alone on Valentines Day…and while in the moment it felt a little disappointing and sometimes anti-climactic (as the cheesiest, most “hopeful romantic” I always believed something was just around the next corner) but looking back I have made some great memories on this dreaded day. One year was spent indulging in chick flicks, ice-cream and crying my heart out (this is sometimes cathartic and just what we need), one year a party with all my single friends, and one year a last minute get a way to Palm Springs with a close friend. I think I spent so much time focused on what I did not have, that I might have been forgetting to focus on what I did. I had a beautiful and loving family, I had great friends who were and are sweet, supportive, crazy, adoring and always entertaining. I had my mind, and the freedom to use it as I chose, and the same for my body for that matter. While sometimes I lived on rice and beans, or leftovers that were a bit too old, I never actually “went-hungry” and always had somewhere to call home.

My point in all of this is that yes, Hallmark probably makes WAY too much money on this day…but we don’t have to buy those cards. What we do have to do, or what we should do rather, is use this day as a reminder to appreciate the special people who have graced our lives regardless of the capacity, and hopefully remember to appreciate them just a bit more each day than we did the day before.

This year I feel very fortunate to have friends who I hold dear to my heart and who I can count on thru thick and thin, family that loves and respects me more each day and someone special to share in all of the corny-Valentines day clichés with (much to his patient and good-natured dismay). I don’t know what tomorrow will bring for me in life and I can’t pretend to think that I could guess, but today I am happy and appreciative and full of love for my life. I hope you are too.

Why a "Nice Girl" in Hollywood Can't Get a Man...

First watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ukhq8nfDGTw

While I did write it...it is not autobiographical, I swear!

Now watch:

http://www.fancast.com/tv/Baggage/106903/1588893607/Baggage-Season-2-Episode-16/videos

I am slightly ashamed and mildly amused to say that this is indeed me, and not my evil twin...

Deep thoughts coming...for now, I was just hoping I might find someone to laugh "with" me...

Where's Your Head At?

On occasion a friend, parent (most usually parent) or other family member will ask me this question, "Where's your head at?"...

Often times its rather difficult to provide a genuine response, mostly because I'm the creative type, the type that can rather easily get lost in dreams and loose track of the line where fantasy and reality meet. It's also because I'm nearing my last year of my 20's and I want to be normal...one day. By normal, I mean married (but I'd settle for life-partner) & with children: more than one (child), and at least two with my genes.

So there, I said it: The statement that no self-respecting member of L.A. society (who wants to maintain her social status) would ever profess..."Yes, I actually do want to settle down one day, and no, the idea of being your sex slave doesn't actually entice me...I just pretend it does in hopes that you'll eventually snap out of your L.A. induced intoxication of sex and fake boobs long enough to realize how awesome I am..."

Now let me also clarify another point...I am no angel, or maybe I am an angel, but a very pro-active, go-get-em kind of angel...Point being, I am not sitting at home crocheting and waiting for Prince Charming to show up at my door in his "Yummy" uniform with my home delivered groceries, a mere week before he inherits Uncle Phillipe's fortunes. I try to get out there. When guys ask me on dates I say yes and hope with all my heart that this one will be different than the rest. Did I mention that I live in L.A.?

Bio of Generic LA man:
On first glance: Great looking, well dressed, says all the right things, has a good job, good family, good education.
His secret: he is severely flawed and insecure. He makes up for these insecurities by obsessively conquering women and then moving on to a hotter/more sexy one.

Generic LA dating script:
Upon meeting:
Female: not so interested, pretty sure he'll just waste her time pretending to like her just long enough to get some action.
Male: intensely interested, would do-anything, say-anything, buy-anything to get her number.

Outcome: the Female's friend or conscious will ultimately convince her that there is no harm in taking a chance, and she will eventually agree to give her number, or at least email/Facebook.

Date #1:
Male: behaves just well enough to give female hope that he just might be special.
Female: behaves just bad enough to give the guy hope that he just might get laid.

Outcome: an awkward goodbye where both parties would like more, but are still too preoccupied keeping up their act...

Date #2:
Female: has already begun the fantasies of vacation get-a-ways and weekend nights at home together laughing and creating memories that don't involve excessive amounts of Grey Goose
Male: has already begun fantasies of nudity and acrobatic positions that he'll surely encounter...He read on her Facebook page that she used to be a gymnast/ ballerina...(and that she drinks Grey Goose)

Outcome: They'll kiss and say goodnight although neither really wants to part...
Female will then decide it's safe to mention him to her friends, which will create an obsessive cycle of wondering when he'll call next...in the meantime she'll convince herself that despite [insert GIANT RED FLAG here: (obvious clue he has a girlfriend, does not have a real job, sells drugs, or has commitment issues deriving from his Daddy not loving him enough)] he could quite possibly be "the one".
Male will then decide it's ok to preemtively brag to his friends about the "hot chick (he) IS banging", after all, he figures it's not a lie if it's sure to happen soon. Having imagined the soon to occur sexual encounter, male will automatically begin to lose interest in said girl...because clearly she's a little slutty if she's already giving it up in his imagination.
Male will now most certainly wait too long to call.

Date #3: (When it finally arrives)
Female: Confused slightly by the male's apparent lack of interest between dates #2 and #3 she will make a pact with herself to do no more than a seductive goodnight kiss, as she knows better than to get involved with a man who plays games...After martini/champagne #2 she begins to rethink previous decision and comes up with a plan to surely win his heart and teach him a lesson: she'll show him the best sex he's ever had...She believes this is a great plan.
Male: Sensing a bit of reluctancy at the start, will slide in a few casual mentions of how much he can't wait for her to meet his best-friend/sister/high-school mentor. After martini/Whiskey #2 he will tell her how much he "really likes" her and thinks about her when she's not around.

Outcome: They will end up at his place and "discover each other's secrets".
Female will convince herself he's a good guy, "after all he said he wants her to meet his family, right?"
Male will convince himself he can manage to hide all evidence of his date from the previous night without her noticing.

Neither is a correct assumption...

Female will then spend the next consecutive 2-4 weeks with her friends...crying and analyzing every detail of what she did wrong...
Male will spend the next consecutive 2-5 weeks avoiding her and randomly sending texts about how much he'd like to see her, but how busy his schedule is. This is so the male can continue on his escapades with as little guilt as possible, telling himself he truly did put forth reasonable effort. This is also to avoid any man-hating online posts from the female, divulging his true identity...That's a real buzz-kill.

Slight warning:
It is also a universal rule of thumb that no sooner does the female begin to move on and realize the reality of her previous situation (that she wasted her time, thoughts and energy on a man who was likely a D-bag) than said D-bag's instincts will kick in, he'll realize he's about to loose her for good and he'll attempt to lure her back into his web. Smart women are savvy to this and refuse, dumb women think he's actually come around and will give him another chance, and then there are women like me...Ha...I never learn.

You might wonder why we don't follow that first instinctual voice that tells us he's gonna be a waste of time...At 22 we don't listen to the instinct because we aren't sure of how amazing we really are...and at 28 we don't listen to the instinct because we aren't sure that he's sure of how amazing we really are, all the while trying to convince ourselves of it. Here's to praying we get it figured out before 30 (or 40 if we happen to be genetically blessed or can afford botox).

At this point I have probably come across as a bitter, uber-feminist extremist who only sees things in one particular light. That's not the case at all. I get it that men struggle to find a good woman, someone they can trust also. But that's just like the soldier of a country at war stating that he feels for the other country and their struggles...sure he may see their perspective, but he's still gonna fight to survive. Living in L.A., Pursuing my dreams and looking for love: yes this surely is war.

So ask me where my head's at...it's at war

"Went to the Ball, Danced with the Prince, and Still Made My Breakfast Shift at the Waffle House"

Someone once summed up my life/personality with this statement:

"Went to the Ball, Danced with the Prince, and still made my breakfast shift at the Waffle House"

I've gotta give it to em, this is pretty accurate. While I've never actually been employed at a Waffle House, I might as well have. Until recently, I spent a good amount of my time working at a Pizza shop in the heart of "Boy-Town-West-Hollywood", with the majority of the rest of my time taken up by my audition schedule, my social schedule and the on-again, off-again relationship I have with the gym (not unlike my love-life I'll reluctantly admit), but I digress...The point is, while thus far I've not held the prestigious or "brag-able" jobs (like many of my peers, friends and acquaintances), I still manage to live a pretty remarkable life, in my opinion (it is all relative, I'm aware).

It has not been unusual for me to find myself serving hors devours for a group of pretentious lawyers (who don't deem the "waitstaff" worthy of eye-contact) one night and a few days later be enjoying similar service, on the receiving end, with Courtney Cox-Arquette sitting at the next table. Or to (reluctantly) put up with the antics (and mess) of highly inebriated customers at 3am and a mere 72 hours later find myself spending a 6 hour flight from NY to LA in conversations with Morgan Fairchild about HIV research and improving the environment?

(Side note...Morgan Fairchild is one of the most remarkable people I have ever had the pleasure to meet...if I can mature to be even a fraction of who she is and what she represents, I would consider my life a success)

...From my Friday night spent alone on the couch to my Saturday with girlfriends in a limo on it's way to The Playboy Mansion (fully clothed, for the record)...From Photoshoots to pizza shops and cleaning bathrooms to Movie Premiers...Is someone up there teasing me?

However, I have made some sense of it...

While thus far, I have had to go back from each of my adventures to metaphorically "scrubbing the evil-stepsisters floors", I've still had these experiences that not everyone can say they've had and that no doubt, I will relish in my old age and regale the stories to the crowd of grandchildren and great grandchildren I'll someday call mine.

Yes, I have rent, and credit cards and medical bills, all DUE...and Yes, I have found myself once again, frantically on the job-hunt...But so what? I'm trying...and I'm doing!

Right now I've chosen to see myself as fortunate, for family, friends and contacts...(many of whom are clearly generous) and Fortunate for my life...but being fortunate comes with a responsibility to not only be gracious, but also to be mindful of just how blessed you are.

I know that one day I will be that person who sees potential in another and has the ability to help nurture it, or converses with someone on a plane and decides to help mentor and guide them, or who simply enters the room and brightens someone else's day...

Until then, while I am still that person who is entirely in awe of the people and world surrounding me and all the opportunity this world holds, I've chosen to breathe it all in, and savor every exhilarating moment so that I never forget it.

And so what if I don't quite have that whole fairytale relationship thing down just yet? That's a whole other story...for an entirely different day...:)



P.S...The photo at the top is of me and my Dad...I felt like a Princess that day, and if I recall correctly I believe I danced with my Dad :)